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by Ted Casablanca
Today's column written by Becky BainMay 15, 2008
Picky and Icky
One mighty missy is doing her best to avoid all things Miley, while another sassy girl surrounded by gossip is bringing her A game to the T-town scene. Plus, a second round of all your needy queries, but we've got some truly challenging questions of our own! Get out your thinkin' caps, which we assume are smaller than Carrie Bradshaw's head bouquet, and read on!
Dirty Quandary
It’s time to fluff ‘n’ fold another batch of Dirty Quandary, where we force ya to flip a coin and choose the lesser of two evils—kinda like Maxim did when it picked Ashley Olsen to be on the Hot 100 list (you were robbed, Mary-Kate!). We know it’s difficult, but somebody’s gotta do it. Ted’s away and Becky doesn’t have an assistant, so that somebody is you, dear readers!Would you rather...
• Watch newly appointed Conan O'Brien replacement Jimmy Fallon on Late Night or just go to bed early?
• Be the third wheel on a date with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt or Drew Barrymore and Justin Long? (Things to think about: Justy L. can probably make you laugh, but Speidi can make you laugh more, albeit unintentionally.)
• Wear it, burn it or put it in the center of your dining-room table: Sarah Jessica Parker’s high-flying hat at the London premiere of Sex and the City?
• Predict which has the better chance of a future: Lindsay Lohan’s movie career or her new leggings line? • Attend a Scientology boot camp with Katie Holmes or just an actual boot camp?
• Have Mother of the Year Dina Lohan as your momager or Jeff Archuleta as your dadager? Or give up a career in entertainment completely? • Continue making a fine, quality TV program with the utmost integrity or sell your soul to get a ton of ratings by repeatedly casting a pop star who can’t act? (I think we already know CBS’s answer to this one.)
Now that you have some difficult Q’s to ponder, it's time to tackle your always-amusing letters in the minimailbag. Gotta get everything answered before Ted returns—don’t want him coming back to a messy mailbox.
The Mopey 'n' Moody Eyes Have It
Dear Becky:
Ted recently referred to Jen Aniston as a major fag hag. Someone asked where that put Vince Vaughn, and Ted (no doubt backed by the legal dept.) said V.V. is "all man" and segued into his weight. Assuming she is a fag hag what, if anything, does that say about Jen and John Mayer?
Gini
Ted recently referred to Jen Aniston as a major fag hag. Someone asked where that put Vince Vaughn, and Ted (no doubt backed by the legal dept.) said V.V. is "all man" and segued into his weight. Assuming she is a fag hag what, if anything, does that say about Jen and John Mayer?
Gini
Dear Mayer McPlease:
Hey, as a female with a gaggle of gay friends, I can attest that even a fag hag can score a straight stud from time to time. And the only thing to be said about Jen and John is “yawn.”
Hey, as a female with a gaggle of gay friends, I can attest that even a fag hag can score a straight stud from time to time. And the only thing to be said about Jen and John is “yawn.”
Dear Becky:
What's with Katie Holmes' smile these days, and when is the press going to make mention of it? She's a beautiful young lady, absolutely striking, and she dresses beautifully. However, ever since hanging with Posh, she's put on this Posh face with one side of the lips curled up and the other side down. Everyone I know is barfing over it. Isn't it about time somebody told Katie she can be herself again with that stunning smile she had before Victoria sprinkled dust on her?
Margot
San Francisco
What's with Katie Holmes' smile these days, and when is the press going to make mention of it? She's a beautiful young lady, absolutely striking, and she dresses beautifully. However, ever since hanging with Posh, she's put on this Posh face with one side of the lips curled up and the other side down. Everyone I know is barfing over it. Isn't it about time somebody told Katie she can be herself again with that stunning smile she had before Victoria sprinkled dust on her?
Margot
San Francisco
Dear Posh It to the Limit:
I completely concur with your Katie critique. The Posh bob was one thing, but to steal the woman’s smile is just stupid. Aren’t the British famed for having not-so-perfect pearly whites? Maybe that’s why her lips are always sealed. What on earth could be K.H.’s reason for her pursed puss?
I completely concur with your Katie critique. The Posh bob was one thing, but to steal the woman’s smile is just stupid. Aren’t the British famed for having not-so-perfect pearly whites? Maybe that’s why her lips are always sealed. What on earth could be K.H.’s reason for her pursed puss?
Dear Becky:
After reading your take on Ashton Kutcher, which celebrity’s real-life version is completely opposite of his/her interview version? Every time I see an actor’s interview, I think, "You were told to say that." Sounded like A.K. was actually pretty humble? And please remember to use a Becky Decoder as I am text stupid...DILF?. Doing a great job
Kim
After reading your take on Ashton Kutcher, which celebrity’s real-life version is completely opposite of his/her interview version? Every time I see an actor’s interview, I think, "You were told to say that." Sounded like A.K. was actually pretty humble? And please remember to use a Becky Decoder as I am text stupid...DILF?. Doing a great job
Kim
Dear Asking About Ash:
Ashy K did seem supersweet and quite the modest man in his interview, which made me a little pissed that the whole a-hole persona he plays off is invented. Ditto Jared Leto. I’d rather see the real deal than know these dudes think coming off like a douche bag is winning them fans. Also, DILF = Dad I’d Like to Do Things to That I Can’t Print Here.
Ashy K did seem supersweet and quite the modest man in his interview, which made me a little pissed that the whole a-hole persona he plays off is invented. Ditto Jared Leto. I’d rather see the real deal than know these dudes think coming off like a douche bag is winning them fans. Also, DILF = Dad I’d Like to Do Things to That I Can’t Print Here.
"ENDBLAB"
"I haven't had that many...we've been playing it safe."
—Up-and-coming country crooner Taylor Swift, on any salacious stories or ridiculous rumors spreading about herself. Stay away from Annie Liebowitz, sweetie, and you'll make it out of your teenage years scandal-free
—Newlywed Ted's currently enjoying his honeymoon but will return as bitchy as ever—promise!—on May 19.
Send It
IN THE CLOSET
ENLARGE PHOTO 
OMFG, Blake Lively totally upstaged everyone at the CW upfronts in New Yawk...style speaking, anyway. Almost didn't recognize the blond babe from Gossip Girl without a cell in her hands, frantically text messaging in cyber speak. Is that a Language Other Than English we can take classes in? We love this supersophisticated, skin-tight sand-colored dress, with some major earth-toned neck bling to match. Talk about looking lively—no wonder every teen and their BFFs are tuning in to B.L.'s hit show. Her cute costars, like Chace Crawford, prolly don't hurt either.
Not Up to Speed on Awful-Speak?
Our dictionary will have you tonguing like Ted in no time, ka-peesh?
Our dictionary will have you tonguing like Ted in no time, ka-peesh?
Got a hot tip or a burning Q? Let's hear it, and you might see it in print
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