Mankini. There, we’ve said it. While no one has yet been able to pin down exactly why this enigmatic creature has become the dominant cultural magnet of our time, we here at The Soup Blog have our suspicions—most of which revolve around the fact that he repeatedly appears on television sans shirtwear. Recently, your humble correspondent had the opportunity to sit down across a virtual table and engage Mankini in a freewheeling email conversation to find out just what makes him hum, beep and whir. The results, as you could well imagine, were both wholly unexpected and somewhat surprising.

Since debuting on The Soup in 2005, how has life changed for Mankini?
I don’t get kicked out of Denny’s as often.

You died last year, how are you feeling today?
Well, when you die, you gain a ton of perspective. So I guess, I’m feeling extra perspectivey.

What’s the best way for the legion of Mankini-acs out there to show you some love?
If any of them are the parents of Zooey Deschanel, an arranged marriage would be nice.

White or Wheat?
Briefs.

How do you manage to stay so fit? What’s your secret?
I like to chase rats around the courtyard of my condo. It’s good cardio, and my neighbors slip me a little extra cash for the service.

Something that fans may not know about Mankini is your unswerving dedication to a certain charity organization. Care to tell us about that?
You’re talking about Rats for Tots, right? You have really done your homework, man, I’m impressed.

For a few exciting moments last winter, you were a centaur. Any regrets?
Uh, yeah, that I was a damn centaur.

What’s Bret Michaels really like, and were you able to get a peek behind the ‘dana?
Bret offered me a peek under the ‘dana in exchange for a peek beneath the ‘kini. I thought that sounded kind of pervy, but with a rock star of his stature, you don’t argue. And let me tell you, it’s magnificent under there. Did you ever see Stargate? It was like that, except for hot chicks on the other side and not the tranny from The Crying Game.

I have to ask this. Rumors have been flooding the tabloids this week about Mankini and another secretive celeb, how about finally setting the record straight?
That’s OK, you’re obviously a pro, and I respect that you have a job to do, but let this be the final word on the matter: Just because a man wears a bedazzled mankini does not mean he’s engaging in marathon lovemaking sessions with Jeanne Bice on a bimonthly basis. It just doesn’t.

And finally, though it embarrasses us greatly, we’d be remiss not to address what is probably our readers’ most frequently asked question: Is everything, you know, natural underneath the Mankini?
Everything. Well, everything except for the Heidi and Spencer tattoos, but that’s kind of private. I’ve already said too much.